True Fish Stories and Other Lies: Volume 1

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!" Frank LeeI have held true to Uncle Frank's advice in writing these barefaced lies and short stories.Here are the a few paragraphs of one of the stories: "Camp Iroquois was on one of New York's Finger Lakes, Seneca, I think and it was the summer before third grade when I got the news that I was going for two weeks. Cabins full of bunk beds, chow hall with group tables, hot dogs and baked beans and loud farts, "bug juice" to drink, canoeing, hiking, camp fires, funny camp songs, capture the flag, scouts and raiders, teen-age counselors, starry nights and fishing from the dock; a small boy's dream come true.My first fish was a bluegill about the size of my nine-year old hand. He and I got hooked at the same time. He on a worm baited cane-pole and me on fishing. He was released unharmed a few moments later. Sixty years later I'm still hooked."Although many of these tales are for fishermen, many others apply to everyone. The wisdom from Uncle Frank has a wide appeal: "Always put the toilet seat down, even in the men's room. The difference between a good habit and a bad habit is that good habits are easy to break. Putting the seat down is easy to do and the first time she falls in at 3 AM you are going to be weeks convincing her that you really do love her. "Put the seat down even if you live alone. You plan to have another lady someday so you may as well get it right in the meantime.""Understand the rules as thoroughly as possible so you can break them effectively and get away with it.""There are three excellent theories on how to handle women. None of them work.""If you ain't happy with what you've got, you ain't gonna be happy with what you get. Happiness is an inside job."My wife has some of the most unusual ideas I've ever come across. We were changing the clocks to Daylight Savings Time one evening when she said, "These politicians! If they're going to mess with the time, why don't they get it right?"I've been in the outfit long enough to know that I want to hear any suggestions she may have about anything. "What would you suggest that they do to get it right?"She thought for a few moments, "Why don't they make it dark out from like 1 in the afternoon until 3 and we can all take a nap? Then they could give us an extra hour of daylight in the morning AND in the evening." Good plan!Wall Street Dan's 5 Drop-Down Answers contain the wisdom of the ages. "Silence may be golden but there are times when every answer I can give is going to get me in trouble and yet silence isn't an option. These are the times when taking the Fifth Amendment won't work. The Drop-Down Answers are the key to surviving these harrowing situations.Here is a typical example:My boss has just made a ridiculous statement or a stupid proposal. He has a natural flair and excels in both of these categories. He probably doesn't actually want my opinion; even if he's just asked for it! It may be that he just wants to hear his own voice. He may just want to feel important by talking without anyone else talking or by talking without anyone else having an opinion or disagreeing. Whichever of these is the case, I'm trapped and I must respond. Silence is not an option and all possible true answers are hazardous to my ability to continue to work here. What to do?The Drop-Down Answers that can save the day:Drop-Down Answer Number 1. "Sounds Great." This is the most flexible of these answers. Please observe the different ways you can deliver this one: SOUNDS GREAT! Sounds Great! Sounds great. sounds great.These can be accompanied for emphasis by body language such as facial expressions and/or head and body movements. This does NOT include rolling your eyes.This one is most useful when you're pretty sure he won't act on his idiot idea anytime soon but really just wants to have his bosshood validated.You will need the other 4 Drop-Down Answers eventually. Everyone does!